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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Addicted to a Lie

I’m trying.  I’m trying.  I’m trying to resist.  I know he’s going to do it.  He’s going to lie to me.  Like he did yesterday.  Like he did already this morning.  Like he’s done so many times before.  And…and…and…here’s the really sick part:  he’s so transparently obvious, that I’ll know immediately if he’s lying or not.    I’m not talking about some radio personality who could be a bald-faced liar or a guru depending on who you ask.  I’m talking about a lie that everyone agrees on.    Not that your opinion here should affect my behavior.  I believe he’s lying.  I know he’s lying.  And still the temptation to listen is…well…overwhelming.   Stronger even than the proverbial pull for that second potato chip.

I’m wondering, do you do this?  Is there someone who you know lies---and you perceive precisely when they are lying and when they’re not---and yet you feel compelled to listen to them anyway?   Someone who’s lying about something important to you, something that really matters.   And if you can’t help but listen, do you get as upset as I do?  I mean really upset, like I did this morning when Linda heard me scream. 

So who is this terrible liar?   Please stop me from clicking the button.  “Ahhhh!”

No liar always lies.  In fact, the worst liars mostly tell the truth.  No actually, the worst liars are like, they mostly tell the truth and don’t know even know when they are lying.    I have more respect for a bald-faced liar, at least they’re honest with themselves about the lie.  They’re just using the lie as a tool to manipulate me.  Lots of folk try to manipulate me.  An unconscious liar is more frightening, like a futuristic sci-fi talking head that babbles on and on, droning propaganda and advertisements, unable to assess validity.  But I digress. 

This blog is not about the liar.  This blog is about me and my addicton to the lie.    Perhaps I’ll understand my addiction better if I drill down into the lie.  So here it is.  Here’s the lie.

The lie is NOT the forecasted temperature or precipitation.  The lie IS the forecast of sunny.    Yesterday, at 7AM, forecasted sunny for every hour of the day.  At 9AM clouds rolled over the prairie, veiling the sun and at 4:30PM, just before sunset, they were still rolling as they had all day.  This morning, again the 7AM forecast said sunny.  Again the clouds rolled overhead, this time by 8:30AM.    Why do his forecast matter to me?  At 7AM I decide whether to light a fire or not, and if so, how big a fire?   Too small a fire and we’re chilly.  Too big and we not only overheat but spew unnecessary smoke.  Yesterday, knowing guests we’re arriving to tour the house, I built a small fire.  When none of the forecasted sun arrived, we all ended up a little chilly.

You might ask, why do I call this a lie.  Isn’t it merely an inaccuracy?   Is there a difference?  Yes!  Inaccurate means errors are equally likely in any direction.  But this is NOT the case.  Its common for to forecast sunny and it turns out cloudy but the opposite almost never occurs.  Though I have no formal data (not yet!), I can scarcely recall a forecast of cloudy that turned out sunny. 
Pictured as an example of a SUNNY day

Of course, I’m hyper-aware of sun.  Our electricity, our hot water, our heat---not to mention my very disposition---all depend on the sun.    A year ago I had no such awareness.  Home the Land Built does that to you.   So I understand why doesn’t stop their sunny lie.  Few people care, I mean really care, about sunshine. Now if they lied about precipitation---constantly forecasting rain in the middle of a drought---they’d soon be out of business. 

So why oh why do I keep pressing's dreaded “Hourly” button then stare at the Sun icons in WX column?   Do I seek hope for sun, false though I know it to be?  Do I seek hope for, that they’ll repent of their ways and stop over-forecasting the sun?  Do I enjoy getting upset, enough to shout?    Perhaps I simply enjoy feeling so right, so self-righteous.   “See, they did  it again!  They said it would be sunny and look at all the clouds.  What did I tell you? ”    We’re getting closer, but I think it’s worse yet.

I think that my ego----who is really much, much bigger than I would like to admit---actually takes the lie personally.   “See what you did to ME!”   As if there’s some dark lord who, from the top of his radar tower, blazes forth his sunny icon to thwart me.  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” 
It’s pathetically laughable really, little old me perched upon some ridge-top in the heartland, the dark lord’s target.  They say we all need a villain, an enemy to keep us sharp and strong.  But do I really need to make one up?  And even if I did, couldn’t I make one up that’s slightly more interesting, relevant and thwart-able than     Maybe not.   

I’m beginning to learn that the enemy isn’t who I thought he was.    I’m talking about the enemy of my new life.  The enemy who’s trying to prevent me from living in The Connection.  My ego?  Yes, definitely yes, that enemy.  But also and most especially,  his enabler, the invisible, omnipresent feeder of my ego.    The enemy who wants me to live in separation.  The one who will die if I do, we do, Connect.  And that enemy is….he is….he is…ah-h-h-h be continued

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