Preparing II: Colonoscopy

Two days before your colonoscopy

Original instruction:  Do not eat whole grains, leafy green vegetables, nuts, peas or foods with seeds.

Honest instruction:  Consume a diet, so low in fiber and goodness, so high in Twinkies and Wonder Bread, that you will surely contract the very cancer for which the colonoscopy screens.

One day before your colonoscopy

Original instruction:  You must be on a clear liquid diet (liquids you can see through), examples include white grape juice and coffee.

Honest instruction:  Caught you, didn’t we, you coffee-thinning penny-pincher!  Coffee you can see through?  No, you say.  You brew a sludge, thick and oozy as the good Lord intended.  And now you’re merely confused, wondering if a banana-Snicker bar-peanut butter smoothie qualifies as clear.    Well quit complaining and slug down a caramelized quart of high fructose corn syrup and a slippery side of green Jell-O. 

6PM before your colonoscopy

Original instruction:  Prepare 4 liters of GoLIGHTLY® and drink half.  The solution will cause you to have many bowel movements.

Honest instruction:  Prepare 4 liters of GoALL-NIGHTLY® and drink half.  Bowel?  Yay!  Movements?  Nay!  ‘Tis naught but a steady stream.   No straining.  No flexing.  No sphincteral contractions.  Dry as a prune, you will be soon.

Sleeping hours night before your colonoscopy

Original instruction:  <No instruction>

Honest instruction:  A night of fitful sleep awaits.  Dream first of the half-way mark inscribed on the GoALL-NIGHTLY® jug.  Then morph into a Ken Burns-induced nightmare of our country’s terrible north-south divide, where the remains of the blue and the gray spill onto the grass.  Prep?  Civil War?  Prep?  Civil War? Prep...

Morning before your colonoscopy

Original instruction:  Drink remaining 2 liters of GoLIGHTLY®. 

Honest instruction:  Rise at some god-forsaken hour.  Pretend to drink remaining 2 liters of GoALL-NIGHTLY®.    Practice lying to doctor about consuming it all rather than gleefully dumping down sink.

On the way to your colonoscopy

Original instruction:  <No instruction>

Honest instruction:  If your drive is longer than say 30 seconds, consider a diaper and changing table.

At the Hospital

Original instruction:  Your nurse will conduct a mini-health assessment, including prep results.

Honest instruction:  Smile brightly, nod and say “No problem.  Just followed instructions.”